Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
