I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Randomize
