I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
