i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
