Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
