She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
