I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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