Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Randomize
