Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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