On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
