I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
