I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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