You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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