I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
