So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Randomize
