All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
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