My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
