I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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