Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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