Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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