There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
did i just pee glitter
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize