I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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