i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
