I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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