I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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