My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize