My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Randomize
