.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
