I like my sex mixed with concussions.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
