if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
