My room smells like vodka and shame
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Im part way to drunk.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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