Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
