I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
