I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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