wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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