I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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