Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
