I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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