i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
