so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
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