I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
