hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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