they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
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