You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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