sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
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