so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
