No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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