Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
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