I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
