I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
God, I missed his penis.
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