FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I am one with the molecules
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
