No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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