Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
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