Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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