3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
