My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
