I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
found the other keg... it's in the tree
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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