that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
