Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
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