I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize