he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
