I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
